Kids in front of the DNA model at the Witte Museum in San Antonio
Now that my oldest is almost a teen, I get lots of questions about what it means to be an attached parent. Parents of younger kids have tons of questions about what to do when their kids get past pre-K age.
--Can you still following attachment parenting with older kids?
--Does it matter?
--What happens to the bond when the kids are gone all day to school?
--What about the kids learning about tough topics from their friends instead of their parents (e.g., death)?
--How can you stay bonded with older kids?
--What if my child's best friend is from a decidedly non-AP family?
--How do you keep the lines of communication open?
--How do you maintain your family's values when your kids are surrounded by other adults and children all day?
--How do you maintain your children's bonds to each other when they don't see each other all day?
--How do you encourage respect for people of all ages and abilities when your children are confined to a room full of same-aged kids, at the mercy of an authoritative adult (not of your choosing)?
--What do you do when your child's teacher is not teaching with respect or in an AP style (e.g., using "red light/green light," punishing or demeaning in front of the class, or giving rewards and demerits for "good" or "bad" behavior)?
--How do you keep your child from turning to their friends for information at transitional times of their lives (e.g., puberty)?
--How do you balance attachment with independence?
There are certainly more questions, but that's a start for now.
I'd like to have a running conversation on this blog with parents of younger - and older - kids, whether they be currently practicing or not practicing attachment parenting. And if no one is interested in conversing, well, I guess I'll just talk to myself. :)
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thanks for tackling this huge subject! i am anxious to hear what other families have to say. we are entering what i think of as the "older kid" territory, with a 6 year old (and 3.5 year old).....we continue to strive to practice attachment parenting.
ReplyDeletei find the ongoing challenges for me are still sleeping arrangements. that, and the constantly changing levels of attachment - sometimes they are attached to my hip, sometimes they are distant, sometimes i need more space and often i crave more closeness....it's so hard to balance it all.
thanks for starting the dialogue!
Camille, I am very interested and eagerly awaiting nuggets I can glean from you and others in relation to, literally, *ALL* of these questions!
ReplyDeleteI think being an AP parent becomes infinitely harder after age 4 or 5. Infants are the easiest for AP - especially with a bountiful milk supply, it is a no brainer. Exhausting as anything, but nothing to it. You do what baby needs, most of the time that is nursing and cuddling, change diapers, feed, make them sleep. The whole game changes once they become walking, talking, arguing, negotiating little people!
ReplyDeleteYes, Raji, but the beauty of the older age is that they CAN talk, argue, and negotiate! You get a glimpse at what they'll be like as adults, and you see these marvelous little people that you know you helped shape. it's a daunting thought, but still magnificent!
ReplyDeleteI am not close yet to being a parent of an older child, but I do think that the idea of AP'ing an older child, specifically using the term "attachment" turns many people off to AP. Maybe the term you hear in AP circles, "Peaceful Parenting" is a better term. To me, a big part of attachment early on (by early, I mean the first few years) is building security and a foundation of values so that the kids can be more confident in their independence as they get older. They will form deeper bonds with close friends because they know how to do that from the bond with their family. They will communicate with their parents because that is just the way it is done.
ReplyDeleteMy almost four year old is in preschool this year. Between that and just being around other kids (and an Olivia book), she has heard of this "time-out" concept. I explained it to her and told her what we do is more like time-in, where we take a moment together to figure out the problem and cool off. The other day, when we walked to the mailbox, the neighbors were out playing and she heard the dad threaten his child with a timeout. Caroline looked at him and said, "Olivia gets time out. We do time in." I'm sure this guy had no clue what she was talking about, but it made me smile.
Hi, I'm new to your blog and I am really enjoying it. My children are 13,11, and 10. It is interesting the way the dynamics change. I have not heard the term Attachment Parenting before but here is an example of my current journey http://erasundar.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/hello-world/
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you.
Talk away! I think about some of these questions a lot, although I suspect that you would not consider me an AP "purist" at this point. ;-)
ReplyDeleteWho IS a "purist"? Frankly, I'd find that person highly annoying. :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I think you hit it on the head when you said, "a big part of attachment early on (by early, I mean the first few years) is building security and a foundation of values so that the kids can be more confident in their independence as they get older. They will form deeper bonds with close friends because they know how to do that from the bond with their family. They will communicate with their parents because that is just the way it is done."
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree that many people think that "attachment" with regards to older kids means creating "Mama's boys" and kids that never leave home. But what I've seen with AP families with adult kids is the opposite, as the kids are more secure and self-confident. Maybe we *should* call it "peaceful" instead of "attached."