Does attachment parenting really work?

Does attachment parenting work, especially in the long run?

I hear this question and similar ones constantly.

"What happens when my kids get older?"

"I understand attachment parenting when my kids are young. But how will I know that my child won't be a mama's boy? Or so held fast by my apron strings that he won't leave home? Won't want to get married?"

"I understand about breast-feeding and co-sleeping and holding my kids close to me when they're young. But what happens when they go to kindergarten and elementary school? And what happens when they begin to play at other kids' homes, or hang out with friends, or go on dates and I'm not around?"

"How will I know that all this energy that I've put into attachment parenting will pay off in the long run?" That's the question, isn't it?

Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a impossibly small boy who screamed. He entered life at just over two pounds and fought from the first day. At two, he didn't talk. He didn't say "Mama." He toddled through life from day to day scared. He was terrified of the word no. He fought change desperately. Anything new, he hated.

He thrived on routine and consistency, and every day he had meltdowns. Not tantrums. Not 15-minute venting sessions. He had full-blown meltdowns, several times a day, sometimes as long as an hour and a half. He fought the world, because it was out of his control. His parents thought that there was a good chance that he would never leave home. Never go to college. Never get married.

They held him close, nurtured him, loved him, and did all the normal attachment parenting things: breast-feeding, cosleeping, responding to cries ... walking through the wee hours of the morning because he hated to be rocked and holding him while he screamed. Not knowing what the future would hold, but hoping for the best. Was it possible that his parents were causing him to be even more dependent on them than he already was? Was it possible that by not pushing him out of the nest and forcing independence he would never become independent? They didn't know. All they knew was that their little boy, their beautiful child, needed love and respect for who he was.

Fast forward almost thirteen years. That boy, once so tiny and clingy and desperate, today boarded a plane to Tennessee on his own with only his best friend by his side. In three days he'll return home again on his own - this time without even a best friend for company. This same boy - indeed, the beginnings of a man - is planning on hiking a section of the Appalachian Trail in two months and has been invited by an ambassador program to spend three weeks next summer in Europe, and he's planning on attending, with total strangers and with his parents across an ocean.

Does attachment parenting work? I can't say for sure that this child blossomed because of attachment parenting, because of being held and respected and loved unconditionally for who he was, for not being put down when he cried, and for not being ignored when he called out to his parents.

What I can say is that this child has exceeded by far every expectation of his parents, his doctors, and therapists. Today he is confident and self-assured and brilliant and just plain fun to be around. He loves to live, has great plans for the future, and has dreams he plans to fulfill. He talks about college, his future wife and family, and his plans for his life.

One thing I know for sure is that having his personality respected and his needs fulfilled when he was young certainly couldn't have hurt him. Having parents who responded to his needs has helped shape him into the person he is today, vibrant and full of life.

Were we, his parents, responsible for who he is? Certainly not. The credit goes fully to him. I simply like to believe that we gave him the best possible opportunity to develop and thrive. Had he been raised by parents who spank and humiliate and punish, he might well have turned out a very different person with a broken spirit. I'm glad we'll never know.

Does attachment parenting work? We're living proof.

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If you liked this post, you might enjoy Great Expectations.

"Parent/Teen Breakthrough"

I recently started reading a book called Parent/Teen Breakthrough: The Relationship Approach. I don't even remember where I heard about it. It's an old book - almost twenty years old - but it still has a lot to offer.

I'm not very far into it, but it has an interesting and refreshing way of looking at parenting kids when they become teens. The authors' premise is that, when kids begin to enter puberty, they switch from wanting to be nurtured, to thinking about becoming independent from us and getting ready to leave home, even if it's a subconscious thought.

In response, as parents, we must shift our focus from controlling and molding our children, to developing respectful, loving relationships with them. The more we control, the more they fight back, simply because their whole being is focused on becoming independent. The solution instead is to treat your child more as a peer and less as a problem to control. This is the first step to developing the relationship that you'll have with your adult child for many decades to come.

I'll write more about this book once I finish it, but for now I simply wanted to make a mention of it. It has some really good ideas about how to talk to your teens and preteens.

My only problem with the authors' approach is that I believe that we should be treating our children with this respect from birth instead of waiting until they reach puberty. My thought is that if you start out with your relationship with your child being mutually respectful, the teen years become much easier to handle, because you've already established that trust and respect.

However, I can't speak from experience yet, because we're just now beginning to enter this phase. So far, our pre-puberty period has been pretty easy - much easier than toddlerhood. It could be that we simply haven't gotten to the difficult stage. My sincere hope is that we've laid the groundwork for the relationship that this book talks about.

Unfortunately with parenting our children, we only know if we've done a good job once it's far too late to make any changes. No do-overs, ya know?

________________

If you liked this post, you might enjoy APing Older Children: I'm Always behind the Curve.

The 8 Principles with Older Kids ... Still Valid?

Lots of people tend to think of attachment parenting as being applicable only to infants and toddlers ... and maybe preschoolers if you stretch it. Certainly, by the time a child goes to kindergarten or 1st grade, the days of attachment are gone. 

You have to "cut the apron strings" (fine if you wear an apron or even cook - not something I worry about), "kick them out of the nest" (since they're big enough to kick back with a vengeance, that might take some thinking over), and not "make them Mama's boys" (well, I haven't succeeded at making them anything that they didn't want to be, so that one won't work for me either).

Let's take a look at API's Eight Principles of Parenting and see if they still make sense with our older kids ...

1. "Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting"

As much as we prepare for being a parent, we're still unprepared. There's simply no way to know how you'll parent until you're faced with sleep-deprivation insanity, the fate of a human's life hanging on your judgment, and copious amounts of poop, vomit, pee, and farts. That said, it's in our best interest - and that of the child - to do as much preparation as possible. There are tons of great books devoted to raising small children. (Just see the left sidebar.)

But at some point I stopped reading parenting books. Does that make me a neglectful parent? I don't think so. I find that I seek out books that agree with my viewpoint, which are the ones I don't need to read. So what's the point? I can spend my 2-minute pre-coma reading time on a book that won't give me new information, or I can spend it on something entertaining.

And what do all these parenting books say? Basically, they all say the same thing: Have respect. Respect for our children, respect for our spouses, respect for our friends, and (let's not forget) respect for ourselves. If you love and respect your children, they'll end up respecting you. (More on what I mean by respect in a later post. Hint: it does not mean "let them run all over you.")

The preparation for parenting older kids is to parent young kids with respect. The basic truth of respect carries forward from young childhood into older childhood. When kids are testing their wings they need just as much respect as we've ever given, for if they don't get that respect, they'll use their wings to fly away and find it - or what they think it is - elsewhere.

2. "Feed with Love and Respect"

Okay, I have to admit ... I draw the line at nursing my 12-year-old. I'm all for extended breastfeeding (heck, I breastfed my youngest until his 4th birthday!), but at some point you just have to say, "Enough!"

Seriously, food is one of those things essential to life, just like nurturing touch (if you don't believe that, just google "failure to thrive lack of touch").  We have to give them the information they need to keep themselves healthy and trust that they're wise enough to take care of themselves. Our responsibility is to provide them with healthy foods that will nourish their bodies and give them the information necessary, and respect (and trust) their decisions to treat themselves well. If they choose to be vegetarian, and we're carnivores, we need to respect that.

After all, I can't be with them every minute of every day at this age, and they eat without my input a lot. It was important that I laid the groundwork early so that they'll make healthy decisions when they're away from home.

3. "Respond with Sensitivity"

I think this is a no-brainer for dealing with people of any age. I certainly wouldn't want my DH to treat me without sensitivity, and I expect my kids don't want me to do so either. However, I see it all the time with parents of older kids ...

"Buck up! Don't act like a baby!" 

"You're fine. It can't hurt that much." 

"It's okay. Go ahead. You don't need me."

"There's nothing to be scared of."

If I bang my shin on the corner of the dishwasher, it hurts! I do not want my husband saying, "Stop crying. You're okay." That's just not an example of sensitivity that would make me want to cuddle up to him at night. And if I was scared to walk into the garage in the dark, I'd feel pretty angry if he just flippantly said, "Oh go on. There's nothing scary in there. Stop being such a baby." That would pretty much seal the deal on the cuddling up thing.

4. "Use Nurturing Touch"

True, the nature of the touch changes over time. What was nurturing touch for an infant is different for a teen. We get set in thinking that nurturing touch means stroking, holding, and caressing, but for older kids it might be a warm hand on a shoulder, a short one-armed hug, or high five. 

When kids start to explore their independence, they still need that physical contact to know that you're there, in body and mind. Just a wink, a touch on the cheek, or a thumbs-up may be all they need to feel safe and secure. Still, it warms my heart when my 12-year-old holds my hand; I know those days are numbered.

5. "Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally"

This means different things to different people. I must admit that I'm glad that the days of having 2 adults, 3 kids, and 1 cat in bed together are over. (Frankly, I'm a bit wider than the 12" I was allotted, and my fingers tend to lose their grip on the edge of the mattress when I drift off.)

However, from time to time we still find ourselves joined in the middle of the night by a warm body and, on the rare occasion, two. I just remind myself that these days, too, are numbered and to cherish that closeness while I still have it.

6. "Provide Consistent and Loving Care"

Not much discussion needed here. No self-respecting parent could argue with this one, no matter how old their kids are (just ask my parents).

7. "Practice Positive Discipline"

This is what I see as the trickiest principle with older kids. I see so many parents relying on bribes, rewards, punishments, and "consequences" and they're just making more work for themselves. Once kids reach a certain age, when they're testing their limits and stretching their independence, many parents will decide that the trust/respect aspect of attachment parenting needs to be amended. They decide that, since Junior's testing the limits, the limits need to be stricter. 

Maybe this works for some families, but it didn't for ours. S was so headstrong that no matter what I told her she had to do, she'd do the opposite just because I'd told her. When instead, she and I sat down and talked about why she was so resistant, it turned out that she was reaching for independence. The more I tried to crack down, the more she rebelled because she was grasping independence wherever she could get it. I could see a long, hard road ahead of us, when the consequences of poor choices at an older age can be devastating, even life threatening. Something had to change.

I began to give her complete freedom over her choices. When she made poor choices, she had to live with the natural consequences. (Occasionally, I had to come up with logical consequences, if the natural ones would have been too long in the making. BTW, my use of the word "consequences" is different from the way most parents use the word - they actually mean "punishment.") When she chose to wear shorts and a t-shirt in 40 degree weather, she had to live with the fact that she was going to be cold all day. We'd talked about it, and I'd made suggestions on what to wear and even to bring extra clothes "just in case," but she wouldn't have any of it. Instead of laying down the law, I let her make her own decisions. Let's just say that now she always has a jacket nearby if it's chilly.

Is it hard to stand by and watch your child suffer? Absolutely. But I wouldn't insist that my husband bring a jacket because I respect his ability to take care of himself. I just try to give her the same respect. We rarely butt heads anymore, which is such a relief.

8. "Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life"

Ooh, a toughie at any age. I haven't figured this one out. Okay, I guess the key word here is strive, right? Good thing. I do that on a daily basis.

On some days, that striving for balance is kinda like striving to lose 10 pounds by the weekend when I know I'm going to have to be in a bathing suit. I can eat celery sticks until I'm green and exercise until my feet fall off, but it just ain't happenin'.

On other days, I can actually achieve something close to balance. I must admit, as my kids get older, those days come more and more often. In all honesty, I never thought we'd get here. But all the talking, all the cosleeping, all the nipple pain, all the listening to long, drawn-out stories of angst and woe, all the interminable discussions on conflict resolution, and all the days of being Velcro Mom and Dad established the strong foundation of our family. 

Now we're just reaping the rewards. 

Welcome to my blog!

So here I am, finally trudging gleefully into the 21st century. It seems I'm the last person to have a blog.

Does the world need another blog? Probably not. Does the world need another blog--from me? Certainly not. Will anyone care? Hmm, don't know about that, but probably not much. But what the heck. 

I have lots of opinions, and sometimes people even ask me about them. And, for whatever reason, they actually ask my advice about stuff! Go figure. Secretly, I feel like I did when I'd wear my mom's shoes and play "dress up" ... just faking it until someone finds out I really don't know what the heck I'm talking about. 

So I have lots of opinions, mostly about raising kids with respect, helping to create adults who are responsible and enjoyable, and basically just getting along in life from day to day. I also have lots of ideas about education and how we can best help our kids become life-long learners.

And adolescence. Sheesh, I wish I didn't have to know so much about kids coming into puberty. Our kids are 12.5, 11, and almost 9, so we're right in the middle of tween-ness and prepuberty hormones. I figure my son and my daughter will hit puberty right at the time I go into menopause. My youngest son and my husband should quietly disappear for a year. I guess I'll leave clean laundry on the doorstep for them to pick up once a week. 

I also have lots of ideas on how I wish my life were not! Not so cluttered, not so disorganized, not so frantic, not so chaotic, not so hectic, not so argumentative. But I'm thankful every day for what I do have: love, togetherness, energy, excitement, intrigue, danger lurking around every corner ... well, not really that last thing.

All in all, we have a chaotic, loving, loud, fun, ever-changing, cluttered, and yes, eclectic life. Would I change it? Not for the world!

Welcome to my blog!

Camille

Proud mom to G, S, and T and loving wife to H