"Parent/Teen Breakthrough"

I recently started reading a book called Parent/Teen Breakthrough: The Relationship Approach. I don't even remember where I heard about it. It's an old book - almost twenty years old - but it still has a lot to offer.

I'm not very far into it, but it has an interesting and refreshing way of looking at parenting kids when they become teens. The authors' premise is that, when kids begin to enter puberty, they switch from wanting to be nurtured, to thinking about becoming independent from us and getting ready to leave home, even if it's a subconscious thought.

In response, as parents, we must shift our focus from controlling and molding our children, to developing respectful, loving relationships with them. The more we control, the more they fight back, simply because their whole being is focused on becoming independent. The solution instead is to treat your child more as a peer and less as a problem to control. This is the first step to developing the relationship that you'll have with your adult child for many decades to come.

I'll write more about this book once I finish it, but for now I simply wanted to make a mention of it. It has some really good ideas about how to talk to your teens and preteens.

My only problem with the authors' approach is that I believe that we should be treating our children with this respect from birth instead of waiting until they reach puberty. My thought is that if you start out with your relationship with your child being mutually respectful, the teen years become much easier to handle, because you've already established that trust and respect.

However, I can't speak from experience yet, because we're just now beginning to enter this phase. So far, our pre-puberty period has been pretty easy - much easier than toddlerhood. It could be that we simply haven't gotten to the difficult stage. My sincere hope is that we've laid the groundwork for the relationship that this book talks about.

Unfortunately with parenting our children, we only know if we've done a good job once it's far too late to make any changes. No do-overs, ya know?

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If you liked this post, you might enjoy APing Older Children: I'm Always behind the Curve.

Meeting Your Kids' Needs

How do you mesh the needs of a prepubescent 11yo girl (S), a highly physical 12.5yo boy (G), and an imaginative 8yo boy (T)? We just had yet another of our "talks," which we've all tired of over the years. That's not to say that they're not valuable, or that they're not needed or even wanted. It's just that we've talked things over SO many times that often it's the same ol' BTDT thing.

When S is feeling hormonal, she bites anyone's head off if they get in her space. The problem is, no one knows when that will happen! So the boys walk around her on eggshells, and if T asks her to play, he never knows if he's going to find a willing partner or a end up with a disembodied head. Our solution was that S's room would be her sanctuary. If she's in her room, anyone who approaches does so at their own risk. 

To that end, I made her a sign she can put on her door when she's feeling, let's say, uncommunicative.

We always come away from these talks feeling more connected, so in the long run we all find them worthwhile. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish they could have these talks without a mediator!